What does a “secure-functioning relationship” look like?

The term “secure-functioning relationship” was popularized by Dr. Stan Tatkin. The 2013 South Korean documentary “My Love, Don’t Cross That River” by Jin Mo-young offers an in-depth look at a relationship that embodies this concept. It captures the essence of a secure-functioning partnership in a way that is as close to the moment-to-moment and the mundane of the real life as this genre allows.

While every relationship is unique—shaped by age, context, culture, and personal circumstances—secure-functioning relationships tend to share some common threads. Their strength isn’t found in the absence of conflict or even in both partners being "securely attached." Instead, it lies in the deep vulnerability and emotional openness the partners share with each other. These relationships are marked by a constant flow of affection, joy in each other's company, playfulness, mutual support, and the ability to quickly comfort and repair after moments of disharmony. In other words, in a secure-functioning relationship, both partners are getting their attachment needs - of safety, attunement, delight, trust, and reliability - met inside the relationship.

If you choose to watch this documentary, I invite you to (1) pay attention to the thoughts, emotions, and sensations that arise within you as you observe the main characters navigating their daily lives and interactions, and (2) if any particular thoughts or judgments come to mind, approach them with curiosity and explore why you might think the way you do. Some common emotions or reactions that may arise while watching this documentary are delight, enchantment, comfort, hope, grief, sorrow, annoyance, anger, envy, disgust, aversion, boredom, or even sleepiness.